Still Numb

Talk about having the life kicked out of you ... I don't think I have recovered.

As you have probably read in my previous blog titled "Numb", we had a hard day yesterday. We knew yesterday was the day we were going to get to take our little miracle home! Danny and I woke up so excited. It was difficult to even get to sleep the night before. We spent the night before doing laundry and getting ready to leave our room at Ronald McDonald the next day after picking up our little man. We were joyful, happy, excited, couldn't believe the time had come ....

We got to the hospital and everything seemed fine. It was time for Kadin to have his bottle, so I sat down and fed him after changing him and taking his temperature. Again, he seemed just fine. I sat with him for awhile during the time that Danny was packing all his stuff. I got him to burp and talked to the nurses ... nothing out of the ordinary for the day, except that this was what we thought was going to be our last time to sit and visit with Kadin in NICU. An oral antibiotic was ordered so Danny and I left Kadin asleep to go fill the med at the pharmacy ... we also loaded the carseat in the truck and grabbed the monitors to take into the NICU to hook Kadin up to before leaving. We were gone about an hour and a half to get everything done.

Upon our return to the NICU, we walked into the unit where Kadin is and the nurses had long faces ????? What's wrong? The nurse taking care of Kadin walked over to me at the bedside and said "We aren't getting an order for him to be discharged. The Dr. will visit with you in just a few minutes." I was like .... "UUUhhhhhhhh.... with my jaw to the ground."

It was like someone had kicked me in the gut, knocked the wind right out of me, like I was having a very bad dream, it was unreal, I was not believing my ears ... I just sunk into the side of his little crib. I couldn't even cry. Disappointment at it's lowest. Then she proceeded to tell me ... it was garbled in some spots, but I did hear that he dropped his heart rate and had to be stimulated ... somewhere in there she said he turned blue after about 15 seconds and something something something .... I heard it all, but couldn't process it for a good long while. I just stood there staring at my precious baby. He looked wonderful. You would never have known he had an issue only a short time prior to our arrival.

Obviously, he wasn't ready to come home. They say how weird it is that a baby can do these things ... they can rock right along and be fine, but the day comes to go home and they "act up" preventing them from leaving. Most of the time it is a very good thing ... the nurse told Danny of a story of a daddy having to do CPR on his infant right after they left the hospital because he quit breathing. That isn't a place that either Danny nor I would want to be. We are thankful that things happen the way that they do, but the disappointment is beyond shattering to your heart.

So ... as most of you know, we traveled home without him. The Dr. suggested we go home, spend time with the kids here waiting on us, get the nursery ready, do more cleaning if we need to, get things settled and ready for Kadin (the bed is up and that is all that we have done!) so that is where we are ... home. It is so hard to not be getting up and going to the hospital. I am glad that I am here for the kids, they missed us so bad and we missed them. Life is in limbo right now and I'm holding it together. I can't wait to go back to FW and pick him up. I had said last time Dr. Stevener suggested we go home that I would never leave my baby ... but this time it seemed appropriate to take care of things at home and get settled back into our routine before Kadin comes. I can't imagine trying to get all this laundry done and rooms cleaned while getting up every 3 hours to feed the baby ... I would be exhausted.

So this is where we are and we sure could use more of those prayers that have so selflessly been said on our behalf. Danny called about Kadin already this morning and he is doing fine, no problems at all, and the nurse said half the time he is wiggling around and his canula is not even in his nose and he is still satting at 100 (can't get any better than that) so wow ... who knows! God has a way and I'm not one to question him about it ... just be thankful that we still have our son and he will be home soon . . .