It gets a little stressful worrying from day to day how Kadin is going to do. Believe it or not, when the Dr's and nurses tell us he has done really well, I am surprised. I guess I think like that because from the beginning we were told to not get too excited and not to get too upset by the news that we would get every day ... it's a rollercoaster but you have to save your emotions. I would be a basketcase by now had I allowed myself to follow thru with what my emotions dealt me every time. Some days it is overwhelming but then I go in his unit and see him and I totally melt inside. I love that little boy so very much. I know in the end he is going to be just fine ... I have always had the faith that he is exactly what God has intended for him to be, his is perfectly made, he is such a blessing already, and my love for him could not be stronger.
It seems a lot of things are weighing on me heavily right now and the stress of it all has to go. I can not worry about those things or the people that I can not control. I have had a lot of revelations about my life in the past week or so. I have been able to put some of it in perspective and some of it ... eeehhh, still working thru it. I say that to say this ... It has made me stronger. It has helped me to know my focus in life has been and always will be my children. Everything I do, I do to try to better their lives. I have failed a lot and I don't make excuses for those failures, because I failed while TRYING. I continue to do all I can for my children even today. They are my world.
I am really looking forward to the day that we can take Kadin home. I look back at his pictures and see just how much he has grown. I have found it very encouraging that I stayed positive about his survival. I know at times it wasn't certain whether he would make it, but I never gave up hope. And I never will ....
Kadin's night last night didn't seem to go very well. The Dr. said they had to go up on his rate a little bit because of the CO2. His is staying very gaseous and his tummy had a LOT of gas in it in the xray this morning. This is causing the Dr. to make some changes in his feedings. He is ordering more meds to take the water off of him, since his lungs had more infiltrate this morning. He did Brady for quite awhile last night while Robbi and I were visiting him. She asked me what the nurse and the RT were doing to him ... I simply whispered, "They are saving his life." I tried to shield her as it happened very quickly, so she didn't see everything going on but she could tell things were moving quickly and it was necessary.
I was going to help with his bath last night also, but after that, we put the bath on hold. He would not have tolerated that very well. I will just be glad when he is out of this immature stage he is fighting thru ... all part of the premature birth.
He now weighs 3 pounds 13.4 ounces. The Dr said this morning that he has gained another couple of ounces but I am unsure if he meant at that weight or if he is not closer to 4 pounds. The added calories has helped in that department! But again ... weight gain means nothing if the lungs won't function. Dr. Porter was going to try to extubate him but again, he isn't ready. I don't want him to go backwards and with the extra air in his tummy, the cpap would not be a good idea. He would fail.
I am going to get ready to go see him now. I have not seen much of my husband with him looking for a job. He has several good leads, but nothing definite yet. I am sure you will all know as soon as he has a job!
More later ... (see new picture to the right!)
Leslie
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