We have had a very busy week. First of all, my family left and that almost killed me. I will write about that in a little bit, but after they left, I have been making phone calls, doing this, doing that, trying to keep up the pace with all I need to do and still manage to pump every three hours! Ever tried that? I doesn’t work very well some days. However, I’m working on it all slowing down a little bit ….
At the first of the week, Kadin wasn’t feeling very well. A blood culture came back positive for an infection, most likely from the PICC line he had, but upon the test results, it was removed and his white blood cell count has gone way down now. He is on two different antibiotics and doing well.
The last couple of days did not go so well. Every time I went to visit him, just walking to the side of his bed made him de-sat and stop breathing. It was frightening for me and while I shouldn’t have, I took it personally. It happened twice when I went to see him. They would have to rub him on his back to stimulate him, or on his feet or hands, to cause him to breathe again. For some reason, he does not do his best breathing on his back. He loves his tummy …. So last night, that’s where they put him. They like to move him around every 4 hours, but since he is doing well, they aren’t going to move him. I stayed at a distance from his bed this morning and afternoon and tonight and he did well. I peeked at him a few times, but mainly watching his chest rise and fall from a distance. At 10PM tonight he will have been on the bubble cpap for 38 hours, which is what he lasted last time. He is doing much better this time, but of course, they grow stronger with each try. If we make it 48 hours, we are doing really good!!!
I have some pictures (I am really bad about adding pictures lately!) that I want to add. Some of them are of him on the bubble cpap again and they put a Christmas ribbon on the top of his hat to hold it together. It is sssoooo cute! I bought him a small stuffed animal with a “My First Christmas” blanket on it, it’s small, but Santa is coming to all the kids’ beds on the 11th to take pictures with them and I want him to have something “Christmas-y” for his pictures!!!
This week has really been a blur. The kids were still here on Monday cuz they did not have school. It was a hard holiday for us. My children have begged me to bring them here to stay with me ever since I came. They do not like mommy being gone, they are taken care of by loving family, but they still have begged me to come up here. At first, I considered bringing them and home schooling them, but quickly realized how difficult that would be to do and to still spend time at the hospital. I would never be giving myself a rest or a break and that could likely result in admitting me to the looney bin! So, while the kids were here this weekend, they kept crying and telling me they wanted to stay here and go to school around here so they could be with me and so we could be a family. I really discouraged it because I kept telling myself it is only temporary and telling them it is only temporary, but that was not pacifying them at all. They would cry harder …. So I told them we would just see what we could do. I did not think I could put them in schools anywhere other than the FWISD, and that was just not going to be a viable option for us. So I called a school district that had been recommended to us and talked to one of their administrators. She said she would come see us and discuss things with the kids. She came on Monday afternoon and answered questions and told us that we could just call her if we decided to go ahead and put them in school. We talked with the kids about it after she left and they were adamant that they wanted to move here with the understanding that it is temporary and we will be returning home when Kadin is healthy enough to leave here. They were both excited when I said we could give it a try ….. They were talking about how many new friends they were going to make, playing football outside on the playground, possibly playing soccer, but when I asked them what was the most exciting thing about them coming here, they both said “Being with you, mommy!!!!” AAwwwwwww …… I cried a river. I thought I was doing the best thing for my children by leaving them home to have a continuance of life as they knew it, but they said it’s just not the same without mommy at home.
I did not want to uproot Dakota for more reasons than just having to readjust in a new school. He has been quite confident that he is going to make new friends and he knows he will be going back to his old school when we leave here. He is going to miss his friends he said, but he will see them again soon. But he is also going to miss his dad and that was another reason I tried to talk the kids out of coming here. I did not want the battle with Joe over Dakota coming, but I got it anyway. I can’t even begin to list for you all the horrible things he has called me and said to me since I told him of my decision. It truly breaks my heart that I was married to him for so many years and he classifies me as sub-human. You would think that he would understand our son needing me and wanting to be with me. I just can’t go into all the things the he says, but I know I am a loving and caring mother who CHOSE to leave her children back home because I thought it was the best thing for them. Apparently, I am still selfish and care about no one else in all of this. Not bringing my children up here sooner has been very difficult for me and I feel I am very UNSELFISH in having done so. He and I are never going to see things the same which is no surprise as we never did while we were married either. I just did not need or want the stress he has dealt to me the last few days and really wish he would stop being so closed minded on this and realize it is just temporary! I said I would take our son so that he would still be able to see him, but like everything else, I am a liar. I’m just glad I have all you friends and family that still love me even though I am such a horrible mother and person.
Another stress factor for me … I was told thru this I will be taken back to court soon for something I did not do. Dakota’s daddy bought him a rifle and Danny tried to give Joe some ammo for Dakota to use and apparently they got into it …. One says they did, one says they didn’t. I don’t know, but now I am being told that I am responsible for all of my spouse’s actions and I will pay monetarily for it in court. I’m not quite sure how I can be held liable for what I did not do, but Joe says because Danny and I are married, we are one, and I am accountable for all his actions. I guess that’s the same thing as he used to tell me about his actions towards me, I was responsible … it was my fault he was not nice to me is what he would say. So … ok. Not something I need on my plate, but I’m sure he’s going to give it to me anyway. I am scum of the earth, a child stealing liar, and a whore on top of that ………… alright.
Ok, I got that out of my system. Sorry for such a harsh update but I sometimes have to vent or I will go crazy. Just pray for me please … I don’t want or need this added stress, especially when I am trying to do everything within my power to see that everyone in my family is taken care of and healthy and happy, on top of worrying about my little baby in the hospital trying to make it.
Now we just have to find a job for Danny ….. More prayers please.
If there is anything I have realized, it is that you really can make it thru anything. Having friends and family to support you is one of the most important things you could ever have in your life. I don’t know what I would do without all of you who have supported us thru prayer and other means, and even those that we don’t know about who have stumbled upon this and maybe said a prayer for our family. It truly does bless me that so many people are willing to give a part of themselves just for us. I am humbled and very honored that you would take the time, whether we know each other or not. I have made some very wonderful friends here while we have gone thru this trying time and I truly feel that they will be my friends for life. They are walking in similar shoes as we are and our circumstances have brought us close. I cherish the time I have had with all of them here and hopefully will keep them in my life forever! Here’s to you Laci, Perry, Tara, Hilarie, and Preston!
Well my family is on their way right now so I’m going to go finish what I need to do to get things in order for them. I will update again tomorrow I hope, on how things go with the enrollment for the kids and with the way things are for Kadin. When I left earlier tonight, he was doing fabulous! I failed to mention that the little turkey weighs 2 pounds and 2 ounces !!! Can you believe that ??? Hilarie and Preston gave us some Preemie clothes for him for when he gets to start wearing clothes. I am so excited about it … finally it is seeming like we really had a baby. I don’t think he can wear clothes til he is close to 3.5 pounds, but when he can, I have ‘em !!!!
Night everyone …. Please pray for us still not only with Kadin but with this new venture with the kids and Danny being here. We need it !!
Love and Hugs,Leslie
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