My faith has always been strong. There have been times in my life, particularly in the past few years, that have left me wondering if God still remembered me. He comforted my tears and fears many times, but I still couldn't help question his presence in my life. I have never been more certain that God still performs miracles than I am now. It is nothing less than a miracle that our baby boy is doing as well as he is doing. I pray that it never ends. I pray that he is WHOLE in the name of Jesus and his only drawback is that he came too early. I don't really have a lot to say regarding his condition at this point because, miraculously, there have been no changes. I am NOT waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am believing this is the handprint of our Lord an Savior. I am believing that things are going to just continue to look up from here.
I wanted to share a little story ... it's not magical, it's not fancy, it's not one to keep you on the edge of your seat, but it is real and it is true, and it happened to me just today. I have not shared this with anyone at this point. I'm not sure why I haven't, I just haven't. But as I was getting ready for my day, it came time to shower. I usually pray when I take a shower or bathe, so today was no different. I got the water running, began preparing in my mind what it was I wanted to tell God today ... thanking him was top on the list. I began pouring my heart out to him in a little more than a whisper. Tears poured from my eyes as I tried to form the words thru trembling lips. I am so grateful for how my son is progressing. I know God knows my heart, but I still feel I have to tell him. I remember just whispering the words "Help me Lord" .... My intention was to ask God to continue to give me the strength to get thru whatever comes our way with Kadin. All I did was whisper "Help me Lord" about twice and immediately I knew something was different. I felt a presence blanket me. I actually thought someone had moved the shower curtain and I opened my eyes to find nothing different ... just me standing in the pouring hot water. It felt like a small pressure in the air, like someone had walked up beside me, but I felt was more like several people walking up to me at once ... I can't explain it but I knew when I realized no one had moved the shower curtain that Jesus had visited me right there. He had met me where I asked him to. He comforted me. I know in my heart that no matter what we endure or face with Kadin, the strength will be provided. The peace will reign. I know in my heart that our wait here is nothing but a growing period for our son until it is safe enough for him to go home. If I have ever been sure about anything, it is this ..... God still can.
We did not visit him but once today. My mom drove up this afternoon and made it here in town about 5:15. Since the neonatal until closes from 6-8 AM and PM, I did not want to be rushed in visiting the baby. We met my mom and my Aunt Rose at a Mexican Inn for dinner and visited for a little bit before we went ahead and went to the hospital. We had called a few times today and was told there had been no changes, he was doing just fine. I am amazed every time I hear those words.
So when we made it to the hospital, it was time to scrub in and go visit. They had him laying on his right side. He is just so precious. I can tell he has grown. Even Robbi said he looked a lot different than when she first saw him. I am so eager and ready to hold my baby. I have never gotten to hold him before, of course. As he grows, so does my love for him and my desire to finally get him in my arms. At first I was timid and scared to even touch him, but now, I can't wait to.
The nurse on shift said he had a wonderful day. He is tolerating his milk very well and actually really liking it. I asked if he had been weighed since they told us he weighed 1 lb. 4 oz. - So the nurse looked it up for me since he is weighed at midnight every night. She said last night when he was weighed, he was 1 lb. and 7 oz. - MIRACLE! He has already exceeded his birth weight and he is only 5 days old. They were impressed by this and said it was a wonderful thing for him to be doing so well. Everyone has said to expect ups and downs ... I have had enough of the ups and downs already. His first couple of days were not so good ... they were not "bad" but they were nothing like what we are experiencing for the past 3 days now. the nurse also gave me a formula to figure his weight when they just tell me what he weighs in grams. I have been filled with terminology and equations that I never even knew existed. I feel a little more brilliant, lol.
I suppose this blog wouldn't be complete with letting you know how the visit with my children has gone. It was rough at first. No, wait ... it was very hard at first. They are still not understanding the situation and I doubt they ever do. Robbi has had to deal with a few different issues and they are just things that will take time to iron out. There is not a quick fix for anything that we are going thru right now. Dakota was tearful today not undertanding a couple of things either and it broke my heart to see him cry. I cried a few times today myself just from the reality of how difficult all of this is for my children. It wasn't supposed to be this way, but I keep reassuring them that it will only be 4 days at a time in between us seeing each other every week. Dakota's daddy is going to set up his web cam and I am going to see about getting one so that Dakota and I can "see" each other during the week .... I can't wait for that experience !!!!!!
We took the kids all over this RMH ... they played pool, went outside, rode the eleveator, climbed the stairs, etc .... we bought a Monopoly game and Dakota won. He always wins! Tomorrow we will have breakfast with my mom and then they will go back with her for the week. It is going to be a highly emotional time for me when they are all gone and I am here alone. I will have a lot of "me" time, but without quoting Gary Chapman to my sister, I know that out of the darkest times in my life comes the biggest blessings ... I am holding onto that promise. One day I will look back at this and realize just how miraculous this time has been. Not only is Kadin growing and doing well, I am growing. I am stronger and better for it ....
I will absolutely never take for granted the simple things again ......
Goodnight ......
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