All my days are starting to run together. I went to see our baby boy this morning and was updated by the nurse that was on duty at the time. She seemed very knowledgeable about what was going on and pretty much gave me the same report the Dr. gave me later.
It seems today's mood about the baby was not as positive as it was yesterday, but I am going to keep believing it is all good. They keep telling me they have never seen any 24 week old baby born without all these issues. I understand that, but I think my baby is going to surpass all expectations of this NICU. That is not being unrealistic, I just pray for good things for my son.
I was unaware that medication for this hole in my baby's heart vessel had already been administered to him on his birthday. No one said anything about him already receiving medication. The Dr. told me today that they did another xray of his chest this morning and it appeared that there was more fluid on the lungs than yesterday. They are still giving him medication to pull that fluid off. This means he is tee-teeing a lot more. So, since his lungs showed more fluid, the Dr. ordered yet another echocardiogram to look at the vessel again. When he came to update me this morning, he did not look or sound so positive about all this. He said that there is not a Dr. out there that will do surgery on a baby this young to fix/close that opening if it needs to be closed. The nurse told me that she has seen babies this young go to the OR for surgery on this issue. She also told me that Dr.'s don't like to give a second round of the medication for closing the opening. So, there is some information that I missed out on somewhere along the way. I will cover this with the Dr. in the morning when I see him.
They have upped Kadin's feeds to 4ml instead of 3 and he seems to be doing well with it. The nurse also made sure I knew that at some point babies will have trouble with their feedings and they will be stopped. This I have never heard from any of the other nurses before. She also said she didn't know what I was eating but it was giving him gas really bad and making his bottom raw, so they were having to put Desitin on his hiney. Made me feel really SMALL!!!!!!! I am trying to stay away from spicey foods, fried foods, carbonated drinks, etc .... So I don't know. I know that made me feel like complete crap! I don't want my baby suffering because of me in any way. I've already done enough to contribute to what he's going thru ...
The nurse told me that brain bleeds were a big problem and it was such a blessing that Kadin does not have any. She said I should be praising God that he is perfect in that area. Little does she know, me and God talk all the time! lol I think she was just trying to be helpful to me. I had never seen her before and she told me she is only there one day a week.
Kadin's blood gases were good but not enough to lower his support on the ventilator. He is still about medium on that. He is not requiring the max help from the ventilator, but he's not at the lowest point either.
My heart broke tonight watching him get his diaper changed. She told me earlier in the day that he absolutely does not want you in his bed, doesn't want you to touch him or anything and he throws a fit when the nurses get in there with him. So she started changing his diaper and he started throwing his arms and legs around and I looked at his poor face and he was making a crying face, but nothing was coming out. I felt so helpless. I teared up and fought breaking down right there in the NICU. Oh my gosh .... that face. I only want to see that face when I can grab him up and comfort him. He HATED what she was doing. I hated watching it. I just wanted to hold him, make him feel better.
It's only been 9 days and I am flat exhausted. My days are running together. I pump every 3 hours so I nap when I can during the day and then wake up in the middle of the night and pump. I handled this type of routine much better when I was home with a newborn. The baby woke me up to tell me when he was hungry, I changed his diaper, loved on him, and nursed him, then we both went back to sleep. It's hard to wake up to a whining alarm clock. The alarm clock isn't very warm to hold and certainly doesn't look up into my eyes for comfort and love. I feel so cheated. I know when we get to bring Kadin home it will be like he is a newborn. He should be the size that he would have been at a full term birth. I am praying we can take him home a little earlier than February 23. I want him to exceed all the expectations of the Dr.'s and nurses. I want them to remember KADIN ISAIAH KIRKPATRICK as the one who left them amazed. Guess we'll see ....
My son called me tonight. He is ssooooooo excited about coming to see me this weekend. I need his little hugs and kisses, those precious arms wrapped around mommy tight, those handsome brown eyes looking up at me in such a loving way. And my daughter, too .... The way she holds my hands and says "I love you mommy" ... yeah, melts me quickly!
And then there's my husband ... and all those thoughts are private! lol
I pray we have a better day tomorrow and everything will iron out with Kadin. It has to ... I won't settle for anything BUT that.
Blessings . . .
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