Missing Home

My visit with our baby boy tonight was good. He was just resting. They call it “behaving” … so cute. They ALL do it. He is back under the light so he has to wear his “sunglasses” which I have decided I hate very much. I can’t see his precious face with those things on! It kills me to sit there and watch my little baby lick his lips. There’s junk on them and I just want to clean him up. His little feet are peeling, which is not out of the ordinary, but I want to clean him up. Motherly instincts I guess. It just bothers me.


I sat with him for awhile. He moved around quite a bit. I got some video of him moving around and will post that, but I believe I will have to post it on Kadin’s Journey and not on myspace. I can imbed it into the blog entry on Kadin’s Journey. Guess we’ll see. If it’s not there, you’ll know it did not work.


I know it takes only a short period of time for a mother and baby to bond when a baby is born at term. That is due to the mommy getting to hold and nurture the baby, meet their every need by changing diapers, nursing, swaddling, etc. I feel a bond between Kadin and I similar to that of an on time baby … it’s different though, and I’m so glad I have had those experiences with my other children. I’m just saying … I long to touch him, hold him, change his diapers, bathe him, feed him, take care of him every minute of every day and I’m not getting to do those things. Hormones raging doesn’t help either. I burst into tears just thinking about it. I will be so grateful when I can actually do those things. Our bond is there, though. As I have written before, he responds to me when I touch him or when I talk to him. It hurts me more now to leave him than it did in the beginning as I was trying to process all of this. I need to be touching him. I feel it is a reassurance of some sort for us both.


All this reminded me about the other day when I was discharged from the hospital. They wheeled me out in a wheelchair, as is hospital policy. Danny went to get the truck while I waited with the attendant. When he pulled up, we started loading my things into the truck. I opened the front door and was hit right in the face with the smell of our truck. It brought me to tears. It was “home”. I had not seen outside in several days and now to be getting a smell from “home” was almost more than I could take. My reaction brought tears to the attendants eyes which almost made me feel like a big dork. I didn’t care really, it was a sweet sensation ……


The NICU sent blankets and stuff home with me to wash. We provided some blankets for Kadin’s incubator. It helps kinda decorate his bed and personalize it somewhat. The nurse told me that any of his blankets can’t go to the hospital laundry or they’ll never been seen again. So I will be washing them here and returning them for him…


My family is coming back this Friday. I can not wait. I have been counting down the days ever since they left. My husband is such an inspiration to me. He is so uplifting and encouraging, always positive. He is such a sweetheart. I don’t think I could have ever made it this far without his love and support. I realize not everyone has the kind of relationship he and I share, so I do know how very blessed I am. I miss him being here with me to help me get thru … Him helping me get thru helped him to get thru … does that make sense? He keeps in touch with me all day long via text and phone calls. He checks on me for no reason. He reassures me we are going to make it thru this with flying colors. It is hard on him to not be with me, as it is for me. I just hope he knows how much he is loved and missed … and appreciated.


I am such a softie, very sentimental … so much it is tormenting to me how sentimental I am. I’ve always been that way, but when it comes to someone who reciprocates those emotions, I’m even worse, lol. I care so very much about people and with these dang hormones out of whack, I’m a big ole cry baby. It’s to my disadvantage tho because some people don’t appreciate caring people. That’s a whole nother blog - and not one for today!


I hope this video loads correctly and if it does, I hope you enjoy it. My precious little man. I mostly got video of his foot, since I don’t really like the way they have his face covered and all that.


Until next time …..